Does dealing with a challenging situation sometimes leave you in a state of high stress, especially if the conversation isn’t going your way?

What if there’s something that needs to be resolved and the person on the other end of the phone isn’t complying as you’d like them to!

You know, the faulty internet connection, the cancelled flight, the urgent car issue that can only get fixed in 2 weeks… the list goes on. Any of these exchanges can send us into a spiral of frustration and test our patience! In turn, we lose control of our emotions, choice of words and tone of voice – this is the fast train to a communication breakdown!

It’s in these times that our Partner Powers are most needed. Let’s first examine what gets us into trouble…

What we say does count. When we’re under stress or feeling challenged, many of us use words and language veiled with threats or we attempt to manipulate the other to get a certain outcome, these behaviours can derail the conversation. What’s equally problematic is how we say what we say; using a defensive or aggressive tone, a faster than normal pace, interrupting the other and not allowing them to interrupt us. This ‘what & how’ packaging will likely lead to a communication disaster and unlikely get you the desired results.

The reason we react this way is due to conditioning and habit.

Good news, new skills can be learned and habits can be upgraded! (As a recovering Predator I’m living proof of this.)

What needs to be upgraded and how do we do it?

This is the what:

Avoid negative language. (Certain qualifiers will trigger a negative response):

  • never
  • always

This will demonstrate kinder, more respectful language. Additionally asking questions will indicate interest and curiosity.

This is the how:

Perhaps even more important than the actual words, is the tone and speed with which we speak. I call this the ‘packaging’. In order for me to not sound defensive or hostile, I purposefully relax my face, add a soft smile and speak slower by adding frequent pauses (1 second pause approx. every 5-10 words).

“Good afternoon Mrs Philips”… (pause)

“This is Amy Carroll calling about my pet octopus, Ralph”… (pause)

“As you may know I’ve called several times”… (pause, soft tone)

“For an emergency appointment”… (pause)

The point of going this slowly is that by controlling your speed, you’re also controlling the energy of the exchange. As a result, this slower speed is less likely to trigger a fight/flight response in the other person and can help to calm you down too!

Here’s the bad news… these pauses may encourage the other person to interrupt you.
In this moment, your job is to allow yourself to be interrupted and remember, avoid interrupting them! (I know, I know it’s not fair).

As for the tone, imagine you’re speaking to someone you know well and really like. This will imply to your adversary a sense of care and respect and may also soften their response! Bingo!!

If you want to hear more about the power of the pause, head to this episode of my radio show: Transformation through mindful speaking, featuring Alan Carroll.