When did you last take time out to seriously consider your boundaries, both at home and at work?
In this newsletter I want to draw your attention to a brilliant book written by Terri Cole, ‘Boundary Boss‘ because I feel that this book can be of tremendous benefit for many, many people. It was for me!
Even though the book has been written for cisgendered women initially, it’s highly applicable for anyone who:
- struggles with saying no
- resists asking for help
- prioritizes others’ needs or desires above their own
- feels like they should be doing more in all areas of their life
- is overly invested in the decisions and outcomes of the people you love
…any of this sound familiar?
Terri Cole helps identify how our dysfunctional patterns came to be and how they make setting boundaries difficult. She explains how your personal boundaries are directly impacted by your childhood experiences. Offering a step-by-step process to create this transformation from boundary disaster to boundary boss, this book will likely change how you view your boundaries.
Although I’ve been working on getting stronger, clearer boundaries for some time now, when I started applying Terri’s advice, I realised I still had a long way to go.
My red flag that indicates to me a boundary has been crossed is a feeling of resentment I have towards a person or situation. As a result, I now take this awareness and apply it to future situations. Let me explain what I mean. Let’s imagine a friend has asked me to help her move. Instead of automatically saying yes, I now imagine myself in that situation and check in to see how I would likely feel helping that friend move. Would I feel happy and supportive, or might I feel ticked off, frustrated and angry, leading to resentment. If it’s the latter of the two, it means that I would probably decline or offer an alternative way to support her.
Learning to set healthy boundaries is a totally learnable skill and there is no better time to start than right NOW!
It’s important to realise that we can choose how people treat us in our personal lives and professional lives ONLY AFTER we have mastered clear communication skills! Ineffective communication skills lead to weak or disordered boundary skills.
Yes, that is right! The way we communicate is paramount to how we set our boundaries.
Why do we need to set clear boundaries?
Having healthy mental boundaries means that you can listen to others with an open mind even if you disagree. That doesn’t mean they have the right to disparage your beliefs.
Terri Cole
Healthy emotional boundaries prevent you from giving spontaneous criticism or unsolicited advice. You avoid taking responsibility for emotions that are not yours.
What comes as a result is a life based on more joy, freedom and greater intimacy, and who doesn’t want more of those!? Internal boundaries mean how you treat yourself. External boundaries mean how others treat you.
Want to discover more? Listen to episode 64 of my radio show Partner Up! With Amy Carroll for an insight into this incredible book.
You can also take this quick quiz and if you answer YES to any of the questions, you may want to consider getting hold of Terri Cole’s book.
Quiz:
- Does attempting to speak up bring up feelings of anxiety or dread for you?
- When paying for service do you avoid telling people if you were unsatisfied?
- Do you tend to ignore your own needs for too long then explode in frustration?
- Do you often have a specific idea of how things should be done and then get frustrated when others seem clueless?
- Do you often feel sad, angry or resentful that people don’t respect your boundaries?
- Do you often avoid speaking up if you have a different opinion with the individual or group you are with?
- Have you created problematic relationships because you have a hard time saying no?
- Do you cut people out of your life rather than avoid having a difficult conversation?
- If friends or family are having a hard time do you feel compelled to help them even if they haven’t asked for your help?
I have observed numerous changes since doing this work. I’m able to accept with more ease when other people set their boundaries.
When you model strong boundaries, you will likely be described as dependable, trust worthy or confident. The impact is that others will feel safe and at ease in your presence because you keep your word and take responsibility for your own happiness!
It’s time for a change. I’ve only scratched the surface on everything Terri Cole generously offers in her book…
…grab your copy today and see how setting boundaries will seriously improve your life!
Click on the link: Boundary Boss Book, Terri Cole
